Every so often, Lincoln goes through a little phase where he wants to test the waters, aka push the boundaries, to make sure they are still there. Sometimes they very firmly are, and sometimes I realize that I am the one who needs to adjust. We are going through one of these stages right now, and it's very frustrating. And we've been going the rounds all morning.
A little while ago, right after we moved in, I had to put child safety things on the doorknobs of the pantry doors and garage doors to keep Lincoln out. He kept getting food out when he wasn't supposed to. Well, he's figured out how to turn the safety door knobs. Every other minute I turn around and he's got more food out. Usually it's snacks, but if I put the snacks up high, then he's just into the bread, or the cereal, or the crackers, or whatever is within reach. Same thing with the fridge. I'll go up to put Adelia to bed, and come down to find he's eaten half a pound of cherries. We have regular meals and snacks, so he's not starving. And I'm not even opposed to giving him more to eat, but I would like to regulate a little bit about WHAT he's eating. We've talked to him multiple times about how he needs to ask before he eats a snack. But then the next thing we know, there he is doing it again. Time out does not phase him. Taking the food away does not phase him. In fact, I almost think that it's less about eating the food and more about him being able to get to it, because a lot of the time he doesn't even eat it all. He'll only take 3 bites of the banana, or 1/2 the cheese stick. Then the rest of it goes bad, which is probably what makes me so irritated. Sometimes I think, well, maybe he just needs a bigger snack, maybe he's growing and really is that hungry. But if we have a big snack, then he will not eat dinner.
Tangent: We went through the same kind of thing when he decided he was big enough to get himself drinks of water. It involved him climbing up on the counter to reach the cupboard with the cups, which I was nervous about, but no matter what punishment I gave out, he still did it. Finally I just let him get his own water, and he can do it, he's never gotten hurt, and it's a huge help to me because not only do I not have to get him water now, but he can get Ivan a drink of water too. It was a little (ok a lot) bit hard for me to let go of that control...but isn't the whole point to raise an independent human being? I guess I just always thought I'd be the one to decide when to give up the control...welcome to another wonderful motherhood surprise...you're never really in control in the first place, oh joy. :)
So then I wonder if maybe it's a power struggle thing. I don't want to be a Nazi parent. If the child is old enough to get himself a snack, and feels like he needs that responsibility, I don't want to be a dictator about it. What I would like is to find a way to teach him to regulate what/how much he can eat. Any ideas?
Struggle number two: Lincoln decided today that he was big enough to walk home from the park by himself. No way. We have to cross two streets to get from the park to our house. Granted, they are small neighborhood streets, without much traffic, but still. I absolutely do not believe an almost four year old is ready to make that trip all alone without a single soul to watch him do it. I told him we were going to leave the park, but to wait just a minute while I got Ivan ready to go...when I turned around again Lincoln was gone. When I got home and asked him why he'd left without me, he said he'd just wanted to go home and not wait for me. Wrong answer. (For the record, I don't think there could have been a right answer.) He went directly to his room, to his bed.
So that's been our day so far. I hate feeling like the dictator parent. I hate yelling. I hate punishing. Why is it that reasoning and asking nicely don't seem to work very often? Why must I always resort to time out, or taking a toy/privilege away, or banning them from dessert, or all the other ridiculous punishments that are more of a punishment for Mom than they are for the child anyway?
I suppose I could try to stop the things before they happen by just following my children around all day and stopping them from doing anything that might turn into mischievousness. But I hate the idea of being a helicopter parent even more than I hate the idea of having to discipline my kids. I don't want to hover over them their whole lives. Even if I wanted to, the more children I get the more obvious it's becoming that I physically could not follow each of them around 24/7. But mostly, I just flat out don't want to. I don't want to be that parent at the play ground that's, "Jimmy put the wood chips down, don't touch the slide Jimmy it has germs on it, Jimmy the grass is not for people to pull up, wait Jimmy mommy will help you, Jimmy don't, Jimmy stop, Jimmy leave that alone, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy!" And after about two minutes you want to yell, shut up lady! You're kid will live, and probably be a lot happier, without your constant dialog. Obviously, I want to keep the kids safe; but at the same time, within some boundaries, I want them to explore the world around them and learn about it on their own. If that means letting them eat a fistful of dirt so they know it tastes yucky, then so be it. (I should probably note here that I do not let my kids eats tons and tons of dirt, I'm sure that's not healthy, but I will let them sample it. I also don't let them sample things that they could choke on, or that would be poisonous to them. Obviously. It's like I said, within certain boundaries.) I want my kids to learn to make good choices without me. And I guess when we're learning to make good choices, we are bound to make some not so good ones.
Still, it would nice if it didn't have to happen all in one day.
7 comments:
Love this! Control is so funny, right? How do you teacch them without at least some control? Every kid is different, and I obviously don't know what would work for Lincoln. Adalyn is all about charts and lists. She'd be thrilled if I drew a few squares on a piece of paper and had her color in one after she got a snack. Connor would be more happy if I let him pick a few snacks in the morning and put them in a bag to eat whenever he wanted. Incidentally, we've done this with cereal. I only let them eat it on Saturdays, but they both whine every other day. Adalyn got a paper with four squares- she marks one off every time she has cereal. Connor got four baggies full and ate them four days in a row. No more until August!
Yeah, I realized that I'm not the one in control when Hadley's due date came and went! Maybe he would respond well to charts. Maybe if he gets snacks out when you turn your back and only eats a few bites offer that piece of food for his next snack or next meal. Even if it is something like a banana and it goes bad before the next snack/meal offer that as his snack and then maybe he'd learn about food going bad and how he needs to ask, etc? I can't really talk out of experience or have any cred since Hadley is only 14 months. Hope you find something that works cuz I look to you for all the answers!!!
Holy cow! There is a lot more to parenting than my brain can even comprehend! Hence the reason I'm afraid of it, hahaha. But seriously, you seem like an amazing mother. It could be that Lincoln is the oldest. Oldest children are proven to be more independent and want to do things on their own. I was this way. I think its good for you to control the snacks. You're the mom! And don't worry, you are doing an amazing job. I can tell!
This is a great post on so many levels. First of all, kids don't come with a manual. Second, each kid has his own rules you have to work with. Sadly for you, there is no "right" answer. I don't know if you have ever read about or heard of "Love and Logic." It is a parenting method to teach kids about choice and accountability. It's a very simple concept but gives you lots of ways to cope with difficult children. And not to teach them to behave all the time, but to teach them that there are consequences for their actions. I have attended one of the seminars and I love it. I use it all the time on my nieces and nephews (and on Trace as well). It may be something for you to look into. Good luck!
i dont want to give unwanted advice, so only read this if you want it:) maybe have a snack drawer that Lincoln is allowed to get into with preapproved snacks and portions? just an idea :)we're kinda in the same place as you are with child locks and Zac wanting to be independant. good luck!
Jordan would go through periods of really testing the limits when he was little and I would feel like all I did was discipline from sun-up to sun-down, but if I held my ground, usually after a few days he would settle down and be more obedient again. You obviously can't (and don't want to) control every detail of their lives, so choose your battles and then stick to it. I promise, it really does pay off.
Well Is till have to control what KC eats because he doesn't make the right food choices and he is 12. One time I did let him go with it until he got sick and then discussed with him. He still over eats and always goes for something I would not suggest, but I don't keep a lot of junk in the house so I know he will be fine.
Samantha her kindergarten year walked herself to school. I went to change my clothes or something and when I came out of my room Zoe said Sami is at school. We have to cross a very busy street and she was 30 min early. I ran to try to keep up but I never saw her until I got to school. Luckily we were 30 min and this is what I did.
1. I calmed down as I had a few more steps before approaching her grin and proudness.
2. I was glad that she made it safe and followed all of the crossing the street rules.(I am guessing because she is there safely).
3. I finally talked to her and told her she can not do that by herself and I took her back home and made her do it the right way and wait for me to be ready to go. We also went over all of the rules when walking to school in case she ever got the nerve to do it again.
It is very hard to let them be independent. Zoe our youngest is riding her bike like a big kid now and everyday asks if she can ride her bike around the block. She is almost 6 and I know she will be fin because we live in a huge dead end and there are kids all over riding bikes in our neighborhood. However I just don't want to let go and let her do it. I have and I cry every time because I feel that I have no one to control, But I also jump for joy when they all return home safely and I know that I have taught them well.
Enjoy every moment and allow yourself to feel what you feel just make sure your actions are the right ones and if not you will learn a lesson that way too.
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