Lincoln's Birth Story

As a tribute to Lincoln on his first birthday, I wanted to post the entry I wrote in my journal about his birth. It might be a little graphic to some who have never given birth, so be aware of that. It's also kind of long, but hey, you don't have to read it, it's my tribute. :) So here's what happened one year ago when I gave birth to our darling little Lincoln:

Saturday August 18th 2007

Our son was born on August 10th, just a little over a week ago. The last week has been an emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual whirlwind that I hope I never forget. I am a mother, and my life will never be the same.

August 9th was a pretty typical Thursday. Aaron went to work. That night Apx decided to take all the techs and their wives out to see a movie. Sydni and Stacey and I got ready for our date at Stacey’s house. Stacey braided my hair and we got all dolled up with make-up and wore cute clothes. We met our husbands at the movie theatre where we saw Borne Ultimatum, which is an excellent movie. I rode home with Aaron. On the way home I asked him if we could stop and get a drink at the gas station. I thought he said yes, but he didn’t think he did, and so we had an argument (mostly playing around good naturedly) about whether we could go or not. He ended up taking me to Sonic instead. I got a slushy, and we also ordered 3 large cups of ice (Sonic has really good crushed ice) and Aaron said we were going to put them in the freezer so that when I started having contractions we’d have ice on hand. We got home at about 12:30am of August 10th.

As we were getting ready for bed Aaron and I started discussing that tonight would be the perfect night for me to go into labor because I had my hair braided and we had ice and because it was the 10th (Tanner thought it would be cool for me to have the baby on the 10th because Kyle’s birthday is the 14th and Tanner’s is the 18th). We got in bed and said our prayers and I remember getting a really uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, almost like an uncomfortable gas bubble. It went away but then it came back again a little later. I got up and went to the bathroom, just to make sure. I didn’t want to get my hopes up the it was a contraction, because I’d been getting my hopes up ever since the Dr told me I was dilated to a 5 already and had to stay in Arizona to have the baby because it wasn’t safe to fly home. When I lay back down I felt it again, only it was stronger. It was 1:07am. I decided it was time to tell Aaron. I was in a little bit of pain, but not too bad yet. I said, “Aaron I think I just had a contraction.” Then I told him how I’d kind of been timing them, and I told him they now felt like intense gas bubbles. At 1:13 I felt it again, stronger. Then again at 1:19 stronger still. I had one at 1:26 and another one at 1:37. They each became more and more painful and lasted a little longer each time. After a couple more I was really hurting. It was all I could do to make myself try to relax my body and breath the way we had been practicing with the Bradley method. My legs were the hardest to control, they tensed as solid as rocks, and I felt like my brain could relax my whole upper body but when it got to where the pain of the contractions were it was like a wall against my will power and I couldn’t break through it to my legs. Having Aaron massage my lower back seemed to make the pain worse, so I told him to try out my legs. I think he was a little surprise at how hard I wanted him to grip my calves and thighs, but he never hurt me at all. He was a huge help in the attempt to get my legs to relax. As it was I don’t think I was ever 100% successful. At some point I told Aaron that I didn’t want to do this anymore. In my head I knew it was too late for that. But I felt so unprepared for how the pain was. I had expected it to be in my lower back, instead it was several inches below my belly button in the front. It was like a menstrual cramp from hell. When it hit the peak I literally wanted to die, it hurt so bad. And I also remember thinking that if I got off our bed, and had a contraction anywhere else, that I surely would die. I remember thinking we were going to have to have the baby at home because we weren’t going to be able to get me to the hospital. Our doctor had told us to come to the hospital as soon as the contractions were 5 minutes apart for a half an hour. When I first started they were already 6 minutes apart. After 5 contractions they were already 5 minutes apart and lasting longer each time. In an hour they’d gone from being 6 minutes apart to being 3-4 minutes apart. And we realized we needed to get to the hospital. What we hadn’t realized was how long it would take us to get ready to go to the hospital. Neither of us were wearing anything but our garments. So in between a contraction Aaron got his shirt and pants on, then I had a contraction, then we got my shirt on, then I had a contraction, then I got pants and shoes on, and had a contraction, Aaron took the bags out to the car (thank goodness they were already packed), contraction, Aaron helped me walk to the car and got me inside, I had a contraction in the car and that was the worst pain up until that point.

Aaron wanted to go back and grab our ice and lock up the house, but I told him to get in the car and drive. It’s probably a good thing I did. Contractions in the car were miserable, and I don’t remember much of the ride, except that somewhere in the middle of it I told Aaron that I had the urge to push. Urge isn’t even a strong enough word, I couldn’t make myself not push. And pushing hurt. It felt like I was trying to poop out a cannon ball. I vaguely remember thinking we were going to have the baby on the side of the highway. By the time we got to the hospital (which was only 5 minutes from our apartment, it felt like hours though) I was numb from my temple across my eyes to the other temple, in my arms and in my legs. They all felt like pins and needles. I told Aaron I couldn’t get out of the car by myself. He drove around to some other doors because the first set he drove to was locked. Aaron helped me out of the car and into a wheel chair. I remember hearing Aaron say that I was in heavy labor and a woman’s voice answering “I can see that”. I also remember Aaron saying he had to go for a minute and park the car. I panicked. I was in so much pain and the thought of Aaron leaving me I think would have made me hysterical. I told him not to go. Then someone, a security guard I think, offered to go park the car for Aaron. We got in an elevator. I remember seeing myself in the elevator as if I were looking down on the scene from above. I was out of it and everything seemed really surreal and dreamlike. I don’t remember getting off the elevator or going into the delivery room. The next thing I remember is Aaron helping me into the bathroom and a nurse telling me to take off all my clothes and put on a hospital gown. As I was changing I remember thinking that I had always thought it would be embarrassing to change in front of the hospital staff, and I thought it was funny that I was in so much pain that I didn’t care who saw me change as long as when I was done I could go lay down in the hospital bed. As soon as I had the gown on I started another contraction. I grabbed onto Aaron. I still had the urge to push so I pushed and suddenly water/blood (but mostly water) was gushing out of me. My water had broken.

Aaron must have gotten me back into the bed, I don’t remember getting there. The pain was so hard now that every time I had a contraction I screamed along with it. It was a throaty scream mixed with a loud groan really. It kind of reminded me of the softball pitchers who grunt when they pitch the ball because they think it makes them pitch harder. I kind of felt like if I could concentrate on groan/screaming it wouldn’t hurt as much. I don’t think it worked, but I still screamed anyway, I couldn’t stop myself. I’m sure it was just like they always show labor in the movies. The nurse told me that my doctor would be here in 10-15 minutes so just to relax and breath and wait. Wait? Yeah, right… like I could just put the whole thing on hold until the doctor showed up. I remember thinking: lady there’s no way I’m not going to push when I feel like it, I don’t care who catches the baby, just get him out of me. They had strapped a monitor to my chest, I think to monitor the baby’s heart rate. Well, the baby’s heart rate dropped, and the nurse who was watching me said, “Get someone in here I think we might have to deliver one.” They had me role onto my back (I had been on my side up to this point) and push once, and then the baby’s heart rate came back up, so the nurse decided that we would again wait for the doctor. I remember being very aware of Aaron telling me to breath deeply. They had put an oxygen mask on my face because I was breathing too fast. It was a very physical reminder to breath deeply and slowly. The nurse was also standing at the end of the bed telling me to breath. When the contraction would hit I was aware of three things besides the pain and my screaming, they were Aaron’s voice, the nurse at the end of the bed showing me how to hold my lips in a circle and blow out slowly, and the feel of the oxygen mask over my nose and mouth. When I wasn’t in pain I vaguely remember other nurses coming in and out asking me and Aaron questions. I think the only response I had for any question directed at me was “I don’t know.” I couldn’t believe they wanted me to think about insurance and dates of birth and who knows what else while I was minutes away from delivering a baby.

Dr. Foltz came in the bedroom, I don’t know how long it actually took him to get there, but it seemed like he got there pretty fast. He came in the door looked at me for like two seconds, probably to see how far along I was, and said “Give me a local anesthetic.” He gave me a shot to numb everything down there and gave me an episiotomy. Aaron asked him something about the episiotomy and the doctor said “It’s just a little one.” Not very much time after that Dr. Foltz told me to push. I breathed in and out and then pushed as hard as I could. The pressure between my legs was incredible, I screamed probably the loudest I had all night… Dr. Foltz said “Ok, now relax and breath, oh ok”… I had kept right on pushing and suddenly the pressure was all gone and I felt like there was slippery jello being sucked out of me, but it didn’t hurt anymore. I looked down over my knees and I could see these little purple feet and a grayish purple thing which I assume was the umbilical cord. It was 3:22am. I did it! Aaron walked over to cut the umbilical cord, and I laid back on the bed and panted trying to catch my breath. Then they handed me my baby. Right then I knew that even though love at first sight isn’t realistic in dating, it’s one hundred percent applicable to childbirth. I couldn’t believe how much I instantly loved the wet, semi bloody (they didn’t clean him before they handed him to me), wiggly, grayish/purpleish little ball they had just handed me. He was my son. A combination of Aaron and I that we were able to create because we have a Heavenly Father who loves us so much that He gave us the ability to bring His spirits into this world by giving them bodies. I never wanted to let go of my son. I just kept thinking, this is my baby, this is what has been inside of me these past nine months. He really was a tiny little person. He was beautiful. 7.7 pounds, 20 inches long, with a crown of 13 ½ centimeters. His little head was perfectly round. It hadn’t been in the pelvis long enough to make it cone shaped. His eyes were open and we just looked at each other. It’s a feeling that no one who hasn’t stared into the eyes of their own newborn baby would ever understand. Nine months of pregnancy, hard labor, pooping out a cannon ball, all the pain, everything became instantly worth it the second they handed me my precious little son.

A nurse came in and helped me nurse him for about 20 minutes. Then Aaron took some pictures. After that they came and got the baby and took him to the nursery to clean him up. It was just a little bit before 5:00am. They told us that our room wouldn’t be ready until about 7:00am so we should try to get some sleep. I don’t remember exactly when it started, but my legs started shaking really bad. I think it was because my muscles had been so tense and my body had just been through a major ordeal and my nerves couldn’t handle it. It was like they were in shock, but they just shook uncontrollably. It was the weirdest thing ever. I mentally tried to make them stop, but I had no control. A nurse came in and said I needed to go to the bathroom. So she and Aaron helped me sit up. It surprised me how hard it was for me to sit up. My leg muscles wouldn’t cooperate. I sat on the edge of the bed and I felt really dizzy, so I told the nurse, and she told me just to sit there for a minute until the dizziness went away. When it did she and Aaron helped me stand. I took one step and felt dizzy again, so I said something. The nurse said I was only a few steps from the toilet and I could sit down on it. Well the next thing I know Aaron is laying me back in my bed. I asked what happened, because I didn’t remember using the bathroom. Turns out I had passed out. Aaron caught me and he and the nurse put me back into bed. Thank goodness for Aaron. So then the nurse decided that I could wait a little while to use the bathroom. I got back in bed and my legs started shaking again, but this time I was cold too. I asked Aaron to go and get me another blanket. He came back with a nurse who brought me a blanket that had been warmed up. They put it around me. It was so wonderful. It was the most comfortable I’d been in a long time. There was a chair in the room that folded out into a bed for Aaron. A nurse brought him a sheet and a blanket. We both laid down to sleep.

I slept for probably about an hour and a half. I woke up just a little before 7:00am. I had to pee. I called out Aaron’s name to try and wake him up. I tried for about five minutes, he was out. I felt really bad trying to wake him up because I knew it had been a long tiring night for him, but I didn’t know what else to do. I wasn’t sure how to get a hold of a nurse. Finally, just as I was about to throw a package of crackers at him, he woke up. He was pretty out of it, it was adorable. He got a nurse and once again the two of them helped me to the bathroom. I made it all the way there this time, and I was sitting on the toilet when I started to get dizzy. I had a hold of Aaron’s arm, and I was trying desperately to not pass out. I was trying to breath deeply and get the dizziness to go away. We aren’t really sure if I succeeded. Aaron said I would be holding on to him and then I would go kind of limp and then I would grab on tight again. Anyways, it ended in a nurse coming in and having me smell something that was the most potent smell in the world and it woke me up. She made me smell it several more times, probably just for good measure. Whew! Peeing was a weird sensation. I couldn’t feel the muscles that allowed me to pee. I kept trying to start peeing and nothing happened. Then I just let my body relax and pee started falling out. I say falling because that’s what it seemed like it was doing, I couldn’t feel it coming out, but I could feel a pressure somewhere in the lower part of me becoming less and less, and I assume that was the feeling of my bladder emptying. Weird.

After that they moved me to another room, and brought the baby in to stay with me. I kept him in the room with me as much as I could. I wanted to hold him every second. They brought in a bunch of paper work for Aaron and I to do, among which was the birth certificate. Now, ever since we found out we were going to have a boy we had planned on naming him Boston Charles Swan. But when the baby came out, neither Aaron nor I started calling him that. We noticed that neither of us were calling him by the name we’d picked and we wondered if it was because it was just so weird to finally have him here, or what. But then as we were filling out the birth certificate, Aaron was like so should I just put Boston? And I was like I don’t know. And we couldn’t do it. We had decided that the name just didn’t fit this baby. So we changed his name. We decided to name him Lincoln Aaron Swan. Lincoln means “to gather in” or “the gatherer” and it also reminded us of President Lincoln who was a great man. We named him Aaron after his dad, because I hope that our son grows up to be like his father. It seemed to fit him perfectly. Everyone in the family was a little surprised when we told them of the change, but they all seemed to like it and adapted quickly enough.

Stacey and Audrey and Bennett came to visit. And so did Sydni and Jake. Then that evening Mom flew out from Utah. It was weird being alone in the hospital room with just me and Lincoln while Aaron went to the airport to pick up my mom. I had a really neat experience though. Aaron had turned on some calming music for me, and one of the songs was a hymn on the piano, Nearer My God to Thee. And As I listened to it I couldn’t help thinking how giving birth is kind of like catching a little glimpse of what God and Christ must feel for each of us. I already love Lincoln so much that I would go through the labor pains all over again and more to have him. I’m sure that’s what Christ feels too. He loves each of us so much that he was willing to go through so much suffering to save us so that we could be with him again. I feel like becoming a mother has helped me to know Christ a little bit better than I did before.