"Catch, Mama"

I can't help it, when this little turkey-feather toddles into my room in the mornings and says, "Catch, Mama." I stop whatever it is that I'm doing and play catch with him.

Even in his crazy two-year-old-ness, this kid is a breath of fresh air in the chaos. His mild, but always cheerful, easy-going-ness, has kept me sane on the choppy waters I'm sailing with five kids these days.

And really, it's not the five kids part that's overwhelming to me. Five kids isn't really that much different from four kids, which isn't that much different from three kids. But the lack of sleep, and the nursing ball-and-chain --having to stop whatever I'm doing every three hours--, is kind of driving me crazy. It's the same after every baby.

I'm in a rut. I'm feeling really unfulfilled, unaccomplished. I need a project; something to be excited about, to look forward to. Right now spending my entire day making sure everyone is alive at the end of it isn't cutting it. I need to see some big results. To feel success. Or even to feel like I'm not dragging five people through life kicking and screaming behind me.

But it's hard to find a project that can be accomplished with a baby and a two year old tagging along. And it's hard to feel like a success when I can't even drive somewhere without the 7-year-old telling me I'm doing it wrong.

This will pass. Someday everyone will sleep through the night. Everyone will be potty trained and dress themselves. No one will need to be buckled into a car seat. I'll be able to take five kids hiking/swimming/biking. Or even better, I'll be able to leave five kids home and go by myself.

But how do I handle things in the mean-time? That's what I'm trying to figure out. Everyone says just relax and enjoy it, don't worry about the things that need to be done, just snuggle the babies. Nothing infuriates me more. Sorry. I'm not a very relaxed person. I hate to stay home all day. I hate to sit and do nothing. Too many people in my personal bubble for too long puts me in a bad mood. I want wide open spaces and something meaningful to keep my hands busy. I want to work in my garden. Or coach my sons' baseball team. Or be the keynote speaker at a conference.

Life is all about balance. Or, to put it more accurately, life is constantly falling out of balance and needing to be rearranged, smoothed out, and redistributed in order for balance to occur. It takes me about a year after every new baby to figure out the new normal. I know this, and yet, I resist and resent it. And I probably waste a lot of energy doing so. Yet here I am again.