What Comes of Late Night Thinking

I have been extremely blessed with several meaningful friendships since I moved away from home after high school. I truly believe that women need other women in their lives, and I have some truly fantastic ones in mine. 

The ladies in my homeschooling group are no exception.  I love Mom’s Night Out with my homeschool group. Once a month or so, we get together at someone’s house, without the kids, and I get to spend several hours laughing and chatting with some of the most intelligent, passionate, motivated women, I’ve ever known. I find that I don’t participate as much in the conversation because I’m trying so hard to absorb and process the words of others. They have a lot to offer, and I want to soak in as much as possible and figure out how it applies to me. Because of this, I often go home from MNO unable to sleep, but instead spend hours lying in bed thinking. I’m a late-night thinker anyway, so it isn’t so unusual for me to think instead of sleep; but, it always happens after a MNO. 

Last night, several different people in the group spoke up about some pretty difficult things they’d gone through in the past years, and how it had affected them. All the members of the group seemed to feel that, despite the obstacles, they had turned out all right. But each knew of someone, a sibling, parent, friend, cousin, neighbor, ward member, etc. who had gone through either the same trial, or a similar one, and had been completely changed for the worst. And the question came up, how then, do we teach our children to be resilient? 

Although I didn’t share with the group last night, I’ve been through some challenges just like everyone else. Most people know that my dad died of cancer when I was 17 and then my mom remarried two years later. Both of these experiences were extremely difficult for me; in fact, I’d be hard pressed to say which of the two was harder. They were so different and each affected me differently, but deeply. However, to make a long story short, I feel like overcoming these events has made me a better person. The person I am today is a person that would not be if I had not gone through some of those hard things and been able to learn from them. Yay for me, right? But I am only 1 of 4 children in my family. I have three younger brothers who experienced the exact same death and remarriage that I did, and all of us struggled. But some of them didn’t come out better for it right away, and one of them hasn’t come out better for it at all. In fact, I’d say that all 4 of us handled the trials in very different ways— for better or for worse. I don’t know.  I’ve never really talked to my brothers about it, I have no idea how they feel about it, or what it did to them, or how it changed them.  But I do know that up until the time my dad died, we were all raised the same. We were taught the same family values, watched the same examples of our parents, went to the same church, etc.  So the questions I’ve been asking myself for years are: What makes the difference? Why do some people choose one way, while others choose another? What is it that keeps people spiritually strong and moving forward and motivated to continue pursuing positive goals and progression, even after being knocked down by something, when others become defeated and bitter and distracted to stagnation by it? 

I don’t have an answer. But the question last night, “How do we teach our children to be resilient?” rang true to me. It was just a more elegantly worded compilation of all the things I’ve wondered about over the years. And so I couldn’t sleep last night because my brain wheels were spinning.

When I think about resilience, the first image that pops into my mind is a tree.  The part of the tree that’s about ground gets blown around and whipped every which way by the wind. But the important part is not what’s happening to the tree above ground, but what’s going on underneath. If the tree has strong, deep roots it will survive the storm. Even if some of the branches get broken off, with a strong root system the tree can pull through and thrive. How do we get trees with strong roots?

 How do we teach our children to be resilient? In response to that question, someone at MNO suggested that maybe making sure that our families are having consistent prayer and scripture study, even when the kids are very young, would help our kids stay on track. 

I thought about this comment all night last night and came to this personal conclusion (as in, I’m not saying you have to agree with me, or come to the same conclusion, but this is the direction my thoughts took me last night); while I think prayer and scripture study are good and most definitely have their place, I don’t think prayer and scripture study are the answer. I think that prayer and scripture study are the means to an end, but not the end itself. 

Going back to the tree analogy for just a second, maybe I can illustrate what I mean a little more clearly. What does a tree need to grow? Water and good soil. Let’s say that water is prayer, and the good soil is scripture study. So you plant your tree in good soil and you give it plenty of water. The tree will have deep, strong roots, right? Wrong. We had a large willow tree in the side yard when I was growing up. It was taller than our house. It had good soil and it got a lot of water. One night, when I was a senior in high school, we had a really crazy wind storm, and the huge tree got blown right over, ripped right out of the ground roots and all. The tree had a huge root system, but the problem was that the tree was taking all its water from the sprinklers that were watering the lawn, so the roots never went deep, they stayed barely underneath the surface of the grass. When the big storm came, those shallow roots weren’t enough to keep the tree grounded. 

What’s going to keep us grounded? I think the only thing that can is our own personal relationship with God. I think we are counseled by prophets and apostles and other church leaders to pray and read the scriptures because those are excellent ways to invite the Spirit and to help establish a relationship with our Heavenly Father—if used in the right way. But if used the wrong way, or an insincere way, then they are nothing but reading and talking. I’ve said prayers without really praying before.  I’ve sat down and read chapters of scriptures and come away thinking nothing more profound than, that was a nice story. None of those experiences has ever brought me closer to Heavenly Father, not a one. But there have also been times when I have prayed from my soul and felt comfort and guidance and love in return.  There have been times when I’ve opened my scriptures, and not the stories, but the feelings have jumped out at me from the pages and made connections with other parts of my life. And it’s those times that I know without a shred of doubt that I have a Heavenly Father who is aware of me. And it’s those times that my relationship with him and my trust in him grows stronger. And if I have enough of those experiences stashed away, then when the time comes I will be resilient. Even if I don’t understand, or I’m hurt, or confused, or angry, or feel wronged or any of the other emotions we feel in hard times; I will be able to be strong because of the trusting and loving relationship I have with my Creator. 

How do we teach our children to be resilient? I think we start by teaching them how to have a real and personal relationship with God.

And once I’d gotten that far, I was able to go to sleep. But I'm also curious, because I don't think the thoughts I had last night are the end all, last say on the matter. I think they are maybe only a small part. And so I'm asking...How do you teach your children to be resilient?