I have been extremely blessed with several meaningful
friendships since I moved away from home after high school. I truly believe that
women need other women in their lives, and I have some truly fantastic ones in
mine.
The ladies in my homeschooling group are no exception. I love Mom’s Night Out with my homeschool
group. Once a month or so, we get together at someone’s house, without the kids,
and I get to spend several hours laughing and chatting with some of the most intelligent,
passionate, motivated women, I’ve ever known. I find that I don’t participate
as much in the conversation because I’m trying so hard to absorb and process
the words of others. They have a lot to offer, and I want to soak in as much as
possible and figure out how it applies to me. Because of this, I often go home
from MNO unable to sleep, but instead spend hours lying in bed thinking. I’m a
late-night thinker anyway, so it isn’t so unusual for me to think instead of
sleep; but, it always happens after a MNO.
Last night, several different people in the group spoke up
about some pretty difficult things they’d gone through in the past years, and
how it had affected them. All the members of the group seemed to feel that, despite
the obstacles, they had turned out all right. But each knew of someone, a
sibling, parent, friend, cousin, neighbor, ward member, etc. who had gone
through either the same trial, or a similar one, and had been completely
changed for the worst. And the question came up, how then, do we teach our
children to be resilient?
Although I didn’t share with the group last night, I’ve been
through some challenges just like everyone else. Most people know that my dad
died of cancer when I was 17 and then my mom remarried two years later. Both of
these experiences were extremely difficult for me; in fact, I’d be hard pressed
to say which of the two was harder. They were so different and each affected me
differently, but deeply. However, to make a long story short, I feel like
overcoming these events has made me a better person. The person I am today is a
person that would not be if I had not gone through some of those hard things
and been able to learn from them. Yay for me, right? But I am only 1 of 4
children in my family. I have three younger brothers who experienced the exact same
death and remarriage that I did, and all of us struggled. But some of them didn’t
come out better for it right away, and one of them hasn’t come out better for
it at all. In fact, I’d say that all 4 of us handled the trials in very
different ways— for better or for worse. I don’t know. I’ve never really talked to my brothers about
it, I have no idea how they feel about it, or what it did to them, or how it changed
them. But I do know that up until the
time my dad died, we were all raised the same. We were taught the same family
values, watched the same examples of our parents, went to the same church, etc.
So the questions I’ve been asking myself
for years are: What makes the difference? Why do some people choose one way,
while others choose another? What is it that keeps people spiritually strong
and moving forward and motivated to continue pursuing positive goals and progression,
even after being knocked down by something, when others become defeated and
bitter and distracted to stagnation by it?
I don’t have an answer. But the question last night, “How do
we teach our children to be resilient?” rang true to me. It was just a more
elegantly worded compilation of all the things I’ve wondered about over the
years. And so I couldn’t sleep last night because my brain wheels were
spinning.
When I think about resilience, the first image that pops
into my mind is a tree. The part of the
tree that’s about ground gets blown around and whipped every which way by the
wind. But the important part is not what’s happening to the tree above ground,
but what’s going on underneath. If the tree has strong, deep roots it will
survive the storm. Even if some of the branches get broken off, with a strong
root system the tree can pull through and thrive. How do we get trees with
strong roots?
How do we teach our
children to be resilient? In response to that question, someone at MNO
suggested that maybe making sure that our families are having consistent prayer
and scripture study, even when the kids are very young, would help our kids
stay on track.
I thought about this comment all night last night and came
to this personal conclusion (as in, I’m not saying you have to agree with me,
or come to the same conclusion, but this is the direction my thoughts took me
last night); while I think prayer and scripture study are good and most
definitely have their place, I don’t think prayer and scripture study are the
answer. I think that prayer and scripture study are the means to an end, but
not the end itself.
Going back to the tree analogy for just a second, maybe I can
illustrate what I mean a little more clearly. What does a tree need to grow?
Water and good soil. Let’s say that water is prayer, and the good soil is
scripture study. So you plant your tree in good soil and you give it plenty of
water. The tree will have deep, strong roots, right? Wrong. We had a large
willow tree in the side yard when I was growing up. It was taller than our
house. It had good soil and it got a lot of water. One night, when I was a
senior in high school, we had a really crazy wind storm, and the huge tree got
blown right over, ripped right out of the ground roots and all. The tree had a
huge root system, but the problem was that the tree was taking all its water
from the sprinklers that were watering the lawn, so the roots never went deep,
they stayed barely underneath the surface of the grass. When the big storm came,
those shallow roots weren’t enough to keep the tree grounded.
What’s going to keep us grounded? I think the only thing
that can is our own personal relationship with God. I think we are counseled by
prophets and apostles and other church leaders to pray and read the scriptures because
those are excellent ways to invite the Spirit and to help establish a relationship
with our Heavenly Father—if used in the right way. But if used the wrong way,
or an insincere way, then they are nothing but reading and talking. I’ve said
prayers without really praying before. I’ve
sat down and read chapters of scriptures and come away thinking nothing more
profound than, that was a nice story. None of those experiences has ever
brought me closer to Heavenly Father, not a one. But there have also been times
when I have prayed from my soul and felt comfort and guidance and love in
return. There have been times when I’ve
opened my scriptures, and not the stories, but the feelings have jumped out at
me from the pages and made connections with other parts of my life. And it’s
those times that I know without a shred of doubt that I have a Heavenly Father
who is aware of me. And it’s those times that my relationship with him and my
trust in him grows stronger. And if I have enough of those experiences stashed
away, then when the time comes I will be resilient. Even if I don’t understand,
or I’m hurt, or confused, or angry, or feel wronged or any of the other emotions
we feel in hard times; I will be able to be strong because of the trusting and
loving relationship I have with my Creator.
How do we teach our children to be resilient? I think we start
by teaching them how to have a real and personal relationship with God.
And once I’d gotten that far, I was able to go to sleep. But I'm also curious, because I don't think the thoughts I had last night are the end all, last say on the matter. I think they are maybe only a small part. And so I'm asking...How do you teach your children to be resilient?