An Emotional Ramble That's Not Worth Reading

Typically I consider myself to be a very emotionally stable person. I don't usually get overly upset or angry. I don't cry during sappy movies. It takes a long time for me to lose my temper, etc.Even through my first two pregnancies, I can count on less than one hand the number of emotional breakdowns I had. So, imagine my surprise when for some weird reason, with this pregnancy I'm suddenly an emotional disaster. And I HATE lacking that emotional control, which only makes me more emotional.  I get angry, hurt, and frustrated quickly. Once that happens, it seems I have an inability to express my feeling in words (which usually isn't a problem) and then the only way to let it out is to break down and cry. Sob, would probably be a more fitting word, because once I start, I can't seem to stop.

Today my hormones seemed to have kicked emotion into high performance mode. While Aaron was getting ready to leave this morning, he asked if the boys and I would like to bring him lunch. Normally this would be no big deal, but for some reason I was apprehensive. I was worried that if the mornings events (yet to be planned) made me too tired than I wouldn't be able to make it up to campus with Aaron's lunch. He said he'd take a bag of chips and if we didn't make it he'd go buy something from the vending machine. So the whole morning I was worried and already feeling guilty (even though I hadn't even decided yet not to go) that because I couldn't handle it, Aaron would have to buy lunch, which is something he hates doing because we don't really have the money for it, so he'd only buy something small, and it wouldn't fill him up, and he'd spend the entire day hungry...because of me.

With all that running through the back of my mind, I decided to take the boys to the park because I was feeling bad about them not getting outside enough the last couple of days because I haven't felt particularly well. They are usually pretty good at the park, and they love it, so I planned on spending the whole morning there, because that's several hours that I didn't have to entertain them for, and hopefully that would leave me with enough energy to go take lunch up to Aaron. We walked to the park, it's only about a block and a half from our apartment. It was a really nice morning, not too hot, a little overcast. No one was at the park either, we had it all to ourselves, and I thought, "This is going to be a great morning, the kids can play, I can watch them without using up too much energy. And we'll make it in time to take Aaron lunch, and after all that the kids will be tired and they'll take good naps."

No such luck. Within about 3 minutes of being at the park, Lincoln pushed Ivan off the top of the playset. Linc had been eyeing the fireman's pole, but wasn't sure if he dared go off of it yet, and then Ivan came up behind him, and Lincoln told Ivan to go down the pole first. Ya, right. So I told Lincoln that Ivan was way too small to go off the pole, and was on my way over to them, when Lincoln decided to make Ivan go off of it, and pushed him over the edge. Ivan went head over feet and landed in the bark dust on his back. He wasn't hurt thankfully, I think it just scared him and knocked the wind out of him pretty bad. I was so angry with Lincoln for hurting his brother. The only punishment I could think of was for us to turn right around and go home. I carried Ivan, who was still wailing, and made Lincoln sit in the stroller. It was a slow walk home.

The whole way home my thoughts were about how angry/sad I was at Lincoln for deliberately hurting Ivan. I want them to be good friends, and to help each other out, and to stick up for each other. Not hurting each other and fighting. And I was frustrated with myself because I had no way to convey this to Lincoln. Sure, I could explain that what he did was not nice and that he shouldn't push his brother. But the seriousness of what could have happened, how Ivan could have been really hurt, was beyond me to explain, and even if I could, probably beyond him to understand. But I wanted to be able to explain it to him. I wanted him to understand. And it frustrated me and made me sad.

Not only that, but we were leaving the park. And I couldn't help thinking that in a way that was also punishing Ivan, who would not be able to play now, even though he didn't do anything wrong. And I was worried about what we'd do when we got home. I had no activities planned, and really no energy to plan any. I hate just resorting to the TV, but I considered it, except that I didn't want Lincoln to think of it as a reward. I ended up sending Lincoln to his room for a bit, then trying to explain why he was in trouble, and made him apologize to Ivan. It didn't seem like enough, but I didn't feel like he'd understand anything more severe, so I left it at that. I gave the boys a snack, and while they ate, could help thinking that I'm probably not cut out to be the parent of three kids. I don't think I have the patience, or the parenting skills. I worried that I wouldn't be able to teach them how to be nice people, and to grow up and live in society without being bullys, or caring about how their actions effect others.

With that on my mind, I decided I should probably get lunch ready to take up to Aaron. Only to find out that we had no bread for sandwiches, and really not a whole lot to choose from that would be easy to transport. Great. I ended up slicing an apple (we only had one left), grabbing everyone a cheese stick, putting in half a bag of snow peas, a package of graham crackers (we were out of Ritz and Saltines), some cream cheese, and a bag of mini marshmallows. For Aaron I also threw in the leftover Beef Stroganof sauce from last night, but we didn't have any rice left to go with it, so I brought tortilla shells.

I'll be honest, I really wasn't looking forward to going up to campus. Not only had it been a rough morning in an emotional sense for me, but yesterday I pulled something in my upper leg area and it hurts to walk ever since. When we go up to campus, we have to park in a G lot (graduate student parking) which isn't all that close to where Aaron works (none of the BYU parking lots are really all that close to where anyone does anything, actually) so that meant putting Ivan in the stroller and trying to herd Lincoln up a pretty steep hill across campus, and I just wasn't up for it today. But, like I mentioned before, I felt too guilty about neglecting my (self-appointed) wifely duties, not to go. Needless to say, I did not find a close parking spot, and we trekked all the way up to Aaron's office. Then all the way back downstairs to eat at a table in the commons area. Aaron was disappointed in the quality of lunch I'd packed, and started explaining to me (not in a mean way, just trying to let me know his preferences) that he's rather just have a sandwich sometimes, than whatever leftovers I could piece together from the fridge.

It was about at this point that I started bawling. I HATE crying in public. But the waterworks started and there was nothing I could do about it. I think Aaron felt bad, and probably thought he'd made me cry, when in reality it was a whole days worth of things. It's dumb too, because none of those things are really even a big deal, but these darn pregnancy emotions have taken over my life. I hate it. Especially because it seems that when I start getting overly emotional, I also start to lose my self confidence, and then everything just goes down hill from there, and I end up having a pity party like this one.

Aaron helped me to the car, and I came home and put the boys down for naps. I've searched my house high and low for some chocolate, but we seem to be fresh out. :( I know these feelings will go away soon, and everything will be under control again. But I'm really looking forward to not being pregnant and getting my normal emotions and self back. I sure hope this isn't permanent.