My Kids Are Funny

"Mom! You know I hate to get dressed." -Ivan

"You're all confused what a balcony is Del." -Lincoln

"I bet the sun's glad it doesn't have to move around any planets." -Ivan 

"If I get cold I'll just wrap up in my blanket. I'm very fond of my blanket. If I ever lost it I'd want to get another one." -Lincoln

"Remember when I got expelled from Sunbeams and then I went to CTR4?" -Ivan 

Linc: "But Dad, have you ever stabbed someone?"

Me: "Lincoln!"

Linc: "what?! It was just a question."

"Mom, we have an Ollie situation here." -Ivan

"I'm sick of the word 'a' from now on I'm going to skip it." -Ivan

Me: "Del, time to use the potty?"

Del: "But why do I have to be a regular girl?"

Me: "Is a regular girl someone who uses the potty?"

Del: "Yes! And then regular girls just turn into bad guys....well, bad girls."

"Mom can I just pass over you?" -Adelia 

"Mom, I think I'm a rock lobster. You know, those lobsters that just run around in circles over the rocks?" -Lincoln

"Oh! I just shook out my leg. It was all tickley with cake crumbs inside!" -Adelia

"Mom, you're the best mom ever, can I touch your eyelashes?"-Adelia

"Mom! I can speak to the birds!" -Ivan 

"Mom, I always think that songs should end in deep sounds. Instead of high." -Lincoln

"Target! I LOVE Target *deep contented sigh* They always have such lovely things to look at there." -Adelia

"Mom, have you noticed that you're kind of starting to get a beard up here (running his finger along the top of my lip), because I can see a little brown there. Do women grow beards?" -Lincoln

Lincoln Liners and Some From the Other Two

"Mom, my crown is attacking me though." -Adelia

"I was just walking among all the juicy things." -Linc

"Mom, do you like my drawing? Well, if you want it to change your life you'll have to give me another sticky note. I'm making an experience." -Ivan

"Mom, I don't like bad guys. They don't bring me great pleasure." -Del

Linc: "Mom, you look good today. "
Me: "Thanks Linc."
Linc: "That's a nice thing for me to say hu? And even if someone doesn't really look good, I can still tell them they do to be nice, right?"

"...please bless me that if I catch a water snake at Bear Lake that I can be careful not to let it poop on me...amen." -Ivan

"I don't think my toes will do any harm. They're in my socks." -Linc

Del: "Mom, Daddy made me a fairy wand.  Are you ready to be proofed?"
Me: "Um, yes?"
Del:"POOF! You're a rabbit. A small rabbit."

"Mom, if God told you to sacrifice me, would you actually do it?" -Lincoln

Me: "Look, there's the missionaries! (riding their bikes down the road. ) Some day when you get big you'll be a missionary."
Ivan: "Do missionaries have kids?"
Me: "No. "
Ivan: "Then why would I ever want to be a missionary? When I grow up I want to be a construction worker."

"Probably when I'm 8, or 9, or 10 I'll be a lot more chatty and then I won't want to play as much." -Linc

"That's not glorious to me." -Linc

Linc: "Ivan do you now how far Balto had to travel? 200 miles!"
Ivan: "Whoa! I would starve to death waiting that long!"

Del, stirring her applesauce with her finger: "One day there was a princess named Galley and she was good."
Ivan: "Oh man! Are you playing family with your applesauce?"

"Daddy woke me up by curiosity when I was asleep. " -Del

Me: "What should we have for dinner Del?"
Del: " I don't know. "
Aaron: "What if we just have pretend dinner tonight?"
Del: "That would be useless."

Lincoln: "Mom! Oh no, Oliver is wearing a pink bib!"
Me: "It's ok Linc, a girl bib will catch the baby food just as well as a boy one ."
Linc: "I know, but girly things kind of make me uncomfortable."

"My tummy was NOT growling, it was just barking. " -Adelia

"Sometimes snakes are for dinner. " -Ivan

Linc: "What time is Clubs?"
Me: "1:30"
Linc: "Holy guacamole, that's cool!"

Lincoln Liners, Ivan-isms, and Adelia's Additions

"But we don't have mummies anymore, now we just burry dead people in the ground, body and all." -Linc 

"Our yard is just rock world and weed world. " -Ivan

"Oliver's watching me as if he's waited his whole life just to see it. " -Linc

"Adelia, super heroes don't smoke. They obey God. " -Ivan

"Oh Mac and Cheese! I forgot about Mac and Cheese. I must have taken it off the list in my head. I just have a list in my head of all the foods we can eat. I have lots of lists of things in my head. " -Linc

"Kate was making a big cake that needed 13 eggs. She has 9 eggs. How many eggls will she need to borrow? Mom, if she borrows 4 eggs and uses them, will she just take back the shells?" -Linc

"This hat is up to no good! Because it doesn't cover my ears. " -Ivan

"Mom, sometimes you meet bugs. On raspberries. " -Linc 

"Mom, I think Ivan's sleeping to death." -Adelia

"Dad, I want a pickle sandwich for dinner. " -Ivan

"Adelia, everything on the Earth was made by Jesus. Except our shed. Dad made that." -Ivan

Del: "Mom, can you climb up a mountain?"

Me: "Yes. Can you climb up a mountain Del?"

Del: "Oh no, but I can take the escalator though."

Del: "Oh a booger came out. "

Me: "A booger came out of your nose?"

Del: "Yup. I'm ok."

"Mom, this is not rum, it's milk." -Adelia

"Good thing I am good at testing if it's raining or not. " -Lincoln

"Mom, could you perhaps turn it up higher. " -Linc 

"Mom, will you open the blinds a little so I can peer out the window?" -Lincoln

Lincoln Liners/Ivan-Isms July and August

Lincoln

"Mom, I want you to make me laugh off my head."

"Whoa, I'm kinda trippy." (Meaning he was tripping a lot.)

"Some bugs have bowgausgus, it's like a straw that come out of their mouths to drink things."

Aaron pulled up the sign in page on Facebook, L watching over Aaron's shoulder, "Wow! Lines to everybody who is on the Earth!"


I: "It's huge!"
Me: "What's huge?"
I: "Daddy's work."
L: "Ya, it's like 4 feet tall!"


"When I'm the boss I want some kids. I want 5 kids. They have to be born somewhere, like maybe Washington."


"Maybe I"m just going to stick my head out there and tell that rain to stop."


"Mom, we kind of just stole this chair. It's not ours."


"Well, I'm just going to sit over here in this chair and wait and if you come around and want to snuggle me, then you can."


L: "Mom is Johnny Appleseed still alive?"
Me: "No."
L: "Why?"
Me: "Because he's dead."
L: "Why's he dead?"
Me: "Because he got old. When you get too old, then you die."
L: "Is he up in Heaven with Jesus?"
Me: "Yes."
L: "Well, Jesus makes everybody alive again, so Johnny Appleseed isn't dead anymore!"


"I'm not Lincoln, I'm just a soccer practicer."

Ivan

"Mom! Look what I made...a straight line!"

"I'm not a boy anymore, I'm a baby and I need milk!"

Me: What's your brother's name?"
I: "Lincoln Aaron Swan?"
Me: "And what's your name little boy?"
I: (giggling) Lincoln Aaron Swan too!"
Me: "What?! I thought you were Ivan Erastus Swan?"
I: "No..I not Rastus Swan (more giggling), I'm Lincoln!"

Lincoln Liners and Ivan-Isms May and June

My kids are not getting less funny, I've just been really bad at writing things down lately. So I combined two months. Here ya go:

Lincoln Liners


Lincoln and I were walking to church. L: "So Mom, do you like camels?" 
Me, not really paying 100% attention to the conversation: "Ya."
L after a thoughtful pause: "Well, do you like scorpians?" 
Me: "Ya." Then realizing what I just said, "Oh, well, not really. Not live ones."
L: "Just pretend ones?"
Me: "Ya, sure."
L: "Ok. I think I'm gonna be a scorpian, just a pretend one."

"Look at my thumb, it's kind of girlish."

"But I can't, I'm just a little tiny kid!"

Me: "Did you have fun at Sam's?"
L: "Ya."
Me: "What did you do?"
L: "Mom, you saw what I do."

L: "Mom, can Asher (my nephew, who we were watching) stay for a long time?"
Me: "He has to go home with his Mommy and Daddy, they would miss him.
L: "They could have Adelia."
Me: "But wouldn't you miss your sister?"
L: "No. I just want a boy."

Asher was in the car with us, L: "Look Mom! Our van is full of Swans!"

L: "Mom, can I tell the thunder my name?"
Me: "Sure?"
L: "Um, Thunder, my name is Lincoln Aaron Swan....Mom, can you tell the thunder you're name?"
Me: "My name is Mommy Swan."
L: "Dad, can you tell the thunder your name?"
A: "My name is Aaron Swan."
L: "Ivan, tell the thunder your name."
I: "Ivan Erastus Swan."
L: "Thunder, my brother's name is Ivan Erastus Swan. I don't think he can hear us."

"Help Mom! I'm stuck in a girl trap!"

"Mom, I wish we could have a fish. A normal fish."

L: "Mom, does the rain go into the ocean and make it deeper?"
Me: "Yes."
L: "I never knew that before. It's what I was just thinking about."

L: "Mom, what's your favorite planet?"
Me: "Um, I like Earth pretty well, what's yours?"
L: "My favorite planet has a yellow ring around it."
Me: "Saturn?"
L: "No, the other one."
Me: "Neptune?"
L: "Yup. Neptune is my favorite planet."

"I have a tear coming out of my face, and I want to drop it right in my soup."

"I'm not afraid of you, I'm just a nice kid."

"Mom, I'm tougher than rain."

"Mom can I wear my sandal and my regular shoe? Can I do it funny?"

"Mom, I would just like Ivan to get off of the top of me so I can jump on my bed again." (He was referring to the bunk beds.)

L: "Mom, you're kind of like a daughter, did you know that? Because you are a girl, you are a daughter."
Me: "Yes. You're right."
L: "So, you're kind of like my daughter."
Me: "Nope. I'm your mother."
L: "Well, just PRETEND you're my daughter."

"Mom, your girl feet are turning into white. And then you're gonna be a boy!" (He was looking at my chipped toenail polish.)

"What would happen if our eyes didn't have any wet in them? Would they fall out? If they did, I would scoop them up and take them up to the bathtub and put the wet back in and pop them in my head....What would happen if our ears got cut off?"

"Just look at all these wonderful, beautiful, pieces of pocket bread!"


Ivan-Isms


I love cameras and new diapers."

"Oh, I live on Earth, and Lincoln does and Daddy does and Delia does."

Every time I drain the bathtub, I: "The water's going down, it's going down!" I'm sure that's from Nemo.

Me: "Ivan, what should we have for dinner?"
I: "Adelia Mae Swan."

"Oh no! A big monster's coming and it's gonna eat us up for supper! Get in the cave!"

Me: "Ivan why are you crying?"
I: "I don't know!"

April Lincoln Liners and Ivan-isms

Lincoln Liners

Linc and Ivan playing in the coat closet together. L: "Ivan stop hitting the jackets!"

I: "I hitting the jackets!"
L: "Ya, but they're nice jackets."

"I should be a Nephite. Maybe someday, when I have a pokey stick."

"Mom, sometimes when ya touch a door knob it gives ya lightning and makes atricity (electricity)."

"Mom, I think my hair grows slow, and gently, gently up."

L: "Mom, is your potty a magic potty?"
Me: "Huh? What would make it a magic potty?"
L: "Well if I just needed to be careful not to get pee all over it."
Me: "Yup, it's definitely a magic potty then."

Aaron was taking a rest in the middle of the living room floor, after wrestling with the boys, L was sitting on top of Aaron and said, "Mom, Daddy's dead."

"Mom, my tummy looks thirsty. It doesn't have any water or milk in it."

"But Mom, are you right about the world?"

I had all three kids in the bathtub, while I was washing Ivan's hair, Lincoln began running his fingures through Adelia's and singing, "Bring back what once was mine. Bring back what once was mine." Ya, we've been a little into Tangled at our house. :)

L: "Mom, is it Gramma's birthday today?"
Me: "Yes."
L: "Does she want to share her cake with us?"

Lincoln was saying prayer: "Dear Heavenly Father, grateful for the breakfast, please bless the breakfast, glad that Kelly could go to Mongolia on his mission (Kelly is Aaron's twin brother, he's been home his mission for 6 years now), bless Ivan that he can be happy and take a nap, thankful that Adelia can eat her breakfast, and that Daddy can ride the bus to work safely to work on his paper. Amen. I did a good one!"

Ivan-isms

L: "I love you!"

I: "I love me too!"

Me: "Ivan, it's time to get up bud."
I: "Don't wake me up!!" and putting his blanket up over his head.

"Where's Daddy Boy?"

"Jesus got owie, Mommy. Jesus got owie. Gib Jesus band-aid!"

Lincoln Liners and Ivan-isms March

March

Lincoln Liners

"I'm not sitting on it, I'm slithering!"

"Sometimes, when I turn into a monster, I put out my claws."

"I'm kind of a funny goose."

While doing my hair, I could hear the boys playing in the other room. L: "Ivan climb the rope so you don't get eaten by the shark!"
I: "No!"
L: "Yes! I need you Ivan!"

L: "Is it bath night tonight?"
Me: "No, we had baths last night."
L: "But I just have dead skin and germs all over me."

In a really whiny voice, L: "Mommy, I just got scratched with Ivan's pretzel."
Me: "I think you'll live."
L: "But I don't WANT to live!"

While I was putting Adelia to bed, Ivan stubbed his toe and was crying. L: "It's ok, Ivan, it doesn't hurt." Ivan still crying...L:"Ivan go to your room if you're going to cry at me." Ivan goes. We had to have a talk about who's the mom and who's not. :)

While at out preschool field trip to the pet store, L looking inside a fish tank at some fish, "Oh, this one looks like a germ!"

"Henches are kind of like houses that pour out water, and then the satellite goes BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! That's what it does."

"Ivan, I'm so sorry about this. This is making me a hard time..."

Ivan-isms
I: "Where's Lincoln Boy, Mommy?"

Me: "He's going potty, he'll be out in a minute."
I: "I go get him!" He walks back to the bathroom.
L: "Roar!"
I: "Heheheh, he scare me Mommy! Hehehe"

Ivan woke up from his nap, he sleeps on the top bunk so he can't get down by himself, usually he yells, "Mom!" over and over when he's ready for me to come get him, but today he was yelling, "Doodle-Doodle-Doo! Doodle-Doodle-Doo!" Went I went in there, he laughed and said, "I rooster!"

Ivan has been pretending to be a baby lately. He'll come sit on my lap and say, "Baby sleeping." And close his eyes. Then in about 5 seconds, he pops his eyes open and says, "I wake up!" Then he's on his merry way.
 
He gets this from Lincoln, but lately whenever I go to get Ivan up from his nap he tells me, "I have a good rest, mama, I have a good rest."

February Lincoln Liners and Ivan-isms

Lincoln Liners

A: "Linc you've got shake on your pants."
L: "That's ok the wind will blow it off."

Linc was complaining of not feeling well, so Aaron gave him a glass of water, L: "I think that just helped, but it's not going into my tummy, it's going into my arms."

As I was putting his coat on to walk to church, L: "But I just need a different jacket so that I can show Heavenly Father my strong muscles."

L: "A sparkle cookie!"
Me: "It's called a Snickerdoodle Linc."
L: "A Snickerdoodle? That's a cool name for that cookie, isn't it?"

A: "Linc, who kisses Daddy on the lips?"
L: "Mommy!"
A: "That's right, and who else?" (He was looking for the answer, nobody.)
L: "Melissa!" (Aaron's brother Ryan's wife)

Me: "Linc, who was the first president of the United States?"
L: "Me!"

"Mom, if you take five bites of noodles, I'll give you a boat."

After giving him a leftover oreo truffle from a girls night party I had, L: "A lady treat? That's the coolest thing I haven't seen!"

Pointing to a cut away of a pomagranite on the back of our body wash container, L: "Look Dad, this just has dried meat in it."

"Mom, you're different."

"Mom. would you like to be a lady?"

"Oh my goodness, look at the time! Its thirty clock!"

"Sometimes Henry Morgan cuts off our heads!" (Henry Morgan is an infamous pirate.)

Me: "Ok boys, who wants bread?"
I: "Me!"
L: "Both of the children want bread."
Me: "Oh really?"
L: "Say, 'Got it!'"

"Mom, I have a problem. My problem is...I want to fight with swords. So will you fight with me?"

L: "Mom, did Daddy bring you flowers?"
Me: "Yes he did, wasn't that nice of him?"
L: "Ya. Are you getting married again?"

L saying the breakfast prayer, "Please bless the food, and that we can go safely to Grandma's house, and that daddy can finish his paper..."
About two hours later, me: "Ok boys lets get your shoes and socks on."
L: "Are we going to Grandma's house?"
Me: "No, we're going to story time."
L: "But I just prayed that we could go to Grandma's today."

Ivan-isms

Ivan was holding his stuffed puppy and rubbing it's face all over his face, I: "Mommy, I all wet."
Me: "Why are you all wet?"
I: "Puppy lick me. Hehehe."

The other night at dinner I: "Food on table!" (Put my food on the table)
Me: "No Ivan, you don't get any food until you get down and pick up your plate that you threw on the floor."
I: "I eat table!" And he began using his fork and pretending to scoop up some of the table and stick it in his mouth.
A few minutes later he put his fork on his head, then looked at me and said, "Where fork go Mommy?"
Me: "I don't know Ivan where did it go?"
I: "It's on my head, heheheh!"

I opened the van door to get Ivan out, and found him with one shoe and one sock off, with his toes in his mouth. Me: "Ivan, what are you doing, silly boy?"
I: "Eat toes for super Mommy."

Ivan came running to me squeezing his cheeks together with his mouth open wide. Me: "What are you doing Ivan?"
I: "I a sucker fish."